Be careful when using "Loved One."

BY KEN BARRINGER

This title is kind of an odd sentence. Why be careful? What is there to be careful about? Convention language when addressing someone who had a death loss is to reference their “loved one”. Are we certain the person was loved? What we are certain of, is that the person was important, powerful, influential. One can be all those things and yet not be loved. For instance, let’s create a scenario where you’re talking with someone who is visibly upset over the death of a parent. You may connect the dots in your mind to read, “parent-loved one-death-upset.” What if the parent had a substance use disorder that kept everyone on eggshells? Was emotionally unavailable? Narcissistic? In and out of jail? These could all be reasons to be upset, it doesn’t mean the person was loved. When we default to saying ‘your loved one’ we may be furthering the disenfranchisement of the survivors by projecting what we think and believe. What if a relative was sexually abusive towards another relative and it was never disclosed? How might it feel to the abused relative to hear “sorry about the loss of your loved one”?

Clearly, many (most?) people we grieve were loved. That is what can make grief so challenging. How can I embark on the rest of my life’s journey without my person? However, we shouldn’t assume love or adoration based on the relationship title (spouse, parent, sibling). Grief is such an individualized and personal experience with the intensity of the grief being proportional to the attachment. We can have an attachment to an unhealthy relationship. We can have an attachment to someone based on the relationship title. Even in situations of family estrangement there is still attachment. Also, even in the absence of such obvious pathology, there still may not be love. Perhaps given the complexities listed here it behooves us to take an approach of curiosity rather than knowledge when engaging people after a death. Curiosity means, don’t assume. Curiosity means, ask questions, listen to dialog and language being used and follow the lead of the griever. In a sense its approaching grief using a “sunset mind”. What is this like for you? How are you approaching it? It looks and feels different today.  Listen and respond, rather than respond and move on.

If the person I’m talking to uses the term loved one or is stating, directly or indirectly, how much they loved the person, then I’ll use the term too. I just want to be sure the person was in fact truly loved before I stamp them that way based on their relationship title. Grievers can feel like people don’t get them anyway. That feeling is greatly enhanced when a supporter is overlaying “loved” in a place where there might not have been any or was complicated.