What is Helpful is Hard to Do, What isn’t Helpful is Easy to Do

BY KEN BARRINGER

“Well that sounds great, why don’t I just do that?” This snarky reply came from a client who was told by a doctor, upon learning of his partner’s life limiting diagnosis, he should, “think positively”. What is simple is not easy. How do you just ‘think positively’? When we are grieving or anticipatory grieving, we are often given sage and simple advice on what we should do, think, and feel. When these kinds of interactions happen, and they happen all the time, I’m reminded of the first ever Twilight Zone episode.

The Twilight Zone premiered in October 1959 and the first episode was titled, “Where is Everybody”. In sum, the episode is about a man who finds himself all alone in a small town. Everything looks “normal”; there is a diner with music playing, a movie theatre with a lit marquee, a police station, school, and town hall. Grass, trees, and flowers are all blooming. Everything looks as it’s supposed to. However, he is completely alone, no others are around. Ultimately the isolation leads to anxiety and panic. He can’t remember who he is or how he got there. Though a bit dramatic here on my part this is how people can feel when they are given simple advice on what they need to do to feel better.

While the definition of loneliness is subjective, we can say for certain it is a feeling not a physical state of being alone. In fact, many grievers prefer some alone time for a variety of reasons. What is helpful is carving out the space, time, and courage to be alone yet to get all three of these things to line up is difficult to do. What isn’t helpful but easy is someone insisting you need take some alone time as if “alone time” is an on-demand button.

Perhaps you have had a moment when you realize you’re going to be ok. It may only last briefly, but it exists. How difficult was the work you had to put in to get there? There is working effectively and there is working fast. Working effectively can mean grinding through challenging situations. Work fast can mean cutting corners to get to the goals rather than staying with the process. Long term solutions or quick fixes? To actualize the feeling of “I’m going to be ok” is worth the work – just not easy to get there. 

The intensity of grief can be connected to a season. In January and February after the decorations and events of the November and December holiday season have been put away, grief doesn’t get packaged up with them. Counselor’s offices are often bursting in January and February. What is helpful (for grievers and therapist alike) is not being surprised by the surge and thus engaging in self-care and wellness practices. What is not helpful but easy is simple statements like “it’s that time of year”. It’s actually always that time of year. However, being housebound in grief in the winter months is different. Not easier or harder, just different. What is hard but helpful is finding our way through the darker days of winter, the blossoming of spring and summer and transition of fall. What is easy but not helpful are implied feelings or statements that “you’ll feel better when ________” (fill in the blank).

When is when?!