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Where Lies Grief?

January 8, 2025

BY KEN BARRINGER

If you asked most people to define grief, they would say something to the effect of, “a thing you go through when somebody dies”. Do we ever think grief occurs wherever there is attachment, and the attachment is changed, altered, or severed? My recent consulting work has landed me in spots that when I share the experience people often reply with, “There is grief there?” “What does that have to do with loss?” “Why did they reach out to you?”

 

When we are having an experience emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, physically, or spiritually we don’t recognize or can’t describe or it’s for “no good reason” perhaps there lies grief. Here is what 4 different pieces of the consulting work I did look like;

 

-       The ending of a sports season is loaded with grief as a community and identity that has been built over time ends. Athletics is one of the few socially sanctioned places for males to be outwardly emotional. Here lies grief.

 

-       A night at the theatre can be entertaining. Have you thought about the cohesiveness of the cast and how much time they spend together. Then, of course, there is the theme of the show (which often involved some type of loss). A good actor can ‘become the role’, night after night, show after show. Is there a space to process this? What might the role trigger in your own life. Here lies grief.

 

-       We love pets. When people decide to get a pet, they often don’t think, “I will probably out live my pet”. Who is at the front line of pet loss? Veterinarians and associated personnel to the clinic or hospital. The prospect of working with grief can be a daily event. Here lies grief.

 

-       Recent articles and studies indicate that as much as 27% of Americans are estranged from a family member – often it is parents. The concept of “divorcing” one’s parents is very real. There are too many reasons to list here as to why this is occurring at an increased rate now but if you search it, numerous resources will pop up. Here lies grief (“but nobody died”).

 

As much as we are a grief averse society, we are starting to recognize that loss is embedded in many things. Simply stated, change is the only constant in life and whenever there is change there is loss and vice versa. We don’t like change because of the uncertainty that comes with it. I heard of a research project whereby there were higher levels of stress associated with people who were told there was a 50% chance they were going to receive an electrical shock and lower levels of stress associated with people who were told there was a 100% chance they would receive an electric shock. We like the known, even if it’s not great.

 

Helen Keller once said, “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.” Beautifully stated with a great deal of wisdom. If we don’t know why we are thinking, feeling, or behaving a certain way it might be time to peek at the shadows.

 

On the other hand, I had opportunities this fall to attend a wedding, a retirement party, and a reunion of musicians who once played at a long since closed music venue. All these events were filled with love, laughter, stories, and excitement about what once was and what will be. Good times all around. They all represent change and perhaps that overwhelming pang of nostalgia or emotionality was a reminder that change involves loss – even in the sweetest of times.