The Case for Community

BY KEN BARRINGER

In the spring of 2023 the Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, discussed a public health crisis of loneliness, isolation and lack of connection which were already underway pre-pandemic and has escalated since. Further, he produced an 82-page document titled Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. In June of 2024, Murthy continued to discuss the associated risks of anxiety and depression as well as physical health issues including premature death. How profound and intense can this experience be when we also experience and important death and/or non-death loss?

The answer to how to combat loneliness and isolation is simple but not easy: Go out, make friends, and build connections. How and where do we make friends? New friends? Let’s make a case for why finding a community may be more beneficial than finding friends. Meeting your latest bff can be tricky, time consuming and we may be at risk for sinking into greater loneliness and isolation when success is not immediate. We can get discouraged and shut down.  Existing friends, and family members, are people we have a past with. Do we have a future with them? Yes? No? Maybe? Getting together with old friends and / or family can be bonding and therapeutic. However, one should assess how much of that engagement is about the past or just checking in to get updates (“How is work going?”). We do tend to default to old habits and ways of being with familiar people. How much of that time is spent in the present. Do they know what’s going on with you right here, right now?  We may also want to protect old friends and family (and ourselves) by having them see us as they knew us – which may not be how we currently are. We can be with others AND feel lonely or isolated when we have to suppress or mask how we are.

This is where a community may be quite helpful. Communities can be where you are known, familiar, and have a common interest with others. Communities can be places where people know what you’re up to but not know your last name. Communities can hold you accountable, allow you to feel acknowledged, recognized and heard. For instance, think of someone you might see at a gym frequently and with whom you talk but might not necessarily get together with outside of this context. Let’s say you haven’t been there for a while and then you return, they might want to know where you have been, why have you been away, what have you been doing. In this way your presence may be noted by your absence. You’re seen.

So what is a “community”? How do you define it? Communities can be any consistent gathering of people, in a certain time and place, where there is an acceptance and acknowledgement of those who gather. Understandably when we are feeling vulnerable or uncertain it can be difficult to join groups or try new things. However, set a realistic goal such as, “I’ll try it once”, “I’ll go for part of it”, “I’ll leave if it gets uncomfortable.” A little of something is better than a lot of nothing. We join clubs, groups, over a common interest or goal and maybe a friendship emerges from it. The primary gain of belonging somewhere can override the secondary gain of maybe making a new friend from the experience. Community breaks down loneliness, isolation contributes to suffering associated with loneliness.

For more thoughts on community listen to the Grief in Brief podcast Episode 18: Conditioning your way through community involvement.